Desperately need anyone's advice/help please!

[spiritualpsb]

my boyfriend and i have been going through some difficult times lately, i try to talk to him about the problems, but he keeps bringing up past issues and saying they are relevent to the arguement at hand (which most of them are not). as a couple we never go anywhere together. i offer to take him to dinner, or ask if there is something he would like to do and it's always no. when he would go and race at the local race track on saturday's i always went there and supported him. but he doesn't support me when i bowl on my league on wednesday nights, he says why should he because out of his 25 races i missed 3 (that was due to me having no money to get in). i am not blaming him for all the problems/arguements in our relationship, but i am one to talk thing's out and not go to bed angry. he on the other hand tends to hold grudges and carry resentment, also likes to bring up past hurts. now to the part where i think he may be unfaithful or thinking about it. one day i came home from work and saw his computer on the table half open, like he was hiding something. he was on the phone at the time with his back to me so he couldn't see me. i opened the computer a little bit (yes i was being nosy) and noticed he was on a site called "craig's list." i also noticed he has typed in 'erotic encounters.' i was speechless . he got off the phone and knew i looked at the computer screen. he said he was "looking for a sofa on craig's list and came across that by accident." he has done this type of thing before in the course of our relationship. he has gone on escort sites, porn sites, yahoo personals, and sexual chat rooms. i told him how i felt about him doing that the first time i found out, and he said he didn?t mean anything by it and he was just curious, also he wasn?t looking for anyone to do those thing?s with. then when i found out he was doing it again (erotic encounters) i tried talking to him again about it, how i feel that is emotional cheating but he just kept bringing up how I hurt him in the early stages of the relationship. the hurt he is talking about is when we were first intimate (but we hadn't begun dating yet, just were "seeing each other" briefly) he asked who was more endowed he or my ex b/f. i was honest and told him "although my ex may have been a little bigger, you are more passionate, make me feel thing's i've never felt before, you are definately more better and you know what you are doing." i honestly didn't think we were going to begin fully dating, as he said he wasn't ready for a full blown relationship. anyway, he and his ego has been hurt by what i said (which was over 2 yrs. ago) i apologized to him for hurting his feeling's and i never meant to. i know i should have thought before i spoke, and considered his feeling's and i do regret what i said to this day; as he NEVER lets me forget it. ever since then i ALWAYS praise him in everyway possible, which is true.

anyway, i never cheated or gone on those kinds of sites. he said ?you hurt me, now it?s your turn so deal with it.? he blamed me for him going on those sites, he said that if i was there for him more (not intimately speaking) he wouldn?t have to do those things. then later on he said that it wasn't me, it was him just being curious. i try my butt off to be there for him in everyway, but it isn?t good enough. if he wants to discuss something, he says i don?t say the ?right things? at the ?right time.? i?m constantly working at that. i told him that i was doing everything i could to be there for him more in every way, and i?m trying to strengthen our relationship. with him going on these type of sites i can't help but wonder if he may cheat. i also feel this is emotional cheating. i can understand men liking the nasty movies, but escort sites and looking up erotic encounters is a different story. i think if he is looking on those types of sites he may cheat, or is thinking about cheating. i don't believe he came across "erotic encounters" by accident. this really hurts me. i came home 2 days later after it happened and i was still upset and he said "i will not be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home." i told him i don't like to feel uncomfortable either, then he told me "get over it, just like i had to get over the hurt you caused me." how would you feel? do you think he is or may cheat? any advice is appreciated, thank you.

 

[Mr. T]

Wow, this is interesting. A few questions

1. how old are the 2 of you?
2. do you have any kids?
3. when he says "his home", do you two live in a place he or his parents own or are you 2 renting a place (kinda 50/50)?

 

[spiritualpsb]

boyfriend woes

i am 33, he is 35. we have kids from other relationship. it is his home, he bought it and i have been living with him for 2 years. him doing these thing's on those sites makes me feel unloved, ugly and unwanted.

 

[Mr. T]

Well that certainly makes things tough. The smaller genital comment you made... not good. I think you killed his ego with that one. Sometimes you gotta tell white lies.

Where you have a big problem is his inability to let the past go (which is usually a female trait). In love you have to forgive and move on. You are headed for a lifetime of headaches if he is going to hold on to the past like that.

What you gotta do, see if he want to make it work, because it sounds like you do, you are both adults- time to stop playing kids games.
If you both are down to try and fix things then maybe a marriage/relationship counselor would help you 2 out. This guy has got to deal with the past and then let it go. It's not right to hold old sh*t over your partners head, you can't move forward if you are stuck in the past.

 

[spiritualpsb]

b/f woe

let me tell you the latest that happened. today when i went to get something to eat during lunchtime, i went to get back in my car and start it. for some reason it wouldn't start (my car has issues). well i called him, he towes for a living, and he told me to check the battery cables which i did, it still wouldn't start (cables were fine). so he said he was towing a car at that point and couldn't come to help me, which i understood. i told him i would call my boss to come and help me, i work right down the street from where i was stranded. well while waiting for my boss to come and help me i decided to jiggle the ignition key and try again. when i did that it started, so i called my b/f and told him i got it started. he said ok and then there was a sigh from him and a pause. i asked him what was wrong and he said "dealing with your car issues is a pain in the asses, it's always something or anothere with you." i really felt like crap after he said that. i admit my car isn't friendly as there are some thing's that need fixing, but i didn't plan it. the even worse part is he lied to me, he said he was working when he was really at home.

 

[WESTLA]

telling your boyfriend that your X had a bigger member is going to get anyone guy mad, sometimes i would ask my girlfriend questions that were stupid and should best be left unasked.. because after she answered i would get mad at the response.

so white lies are ok in my book.. but only if they help make your boyfriend or girlfriend feel better

 

[chicano]

I'm going to be honest with you. I think that the fact that your boyfriend still brings 2 year old bullshit into the picture is just plain stupid. If he wants to go and ask questions that might get him mad..it's not your fault, he asked a question and you simply gave em an answer. Your boyfriend has a tendancy of bringing up past issues when you guys argue..try to talk to him, if he continues to bring them up..you need to tell him something. He needs to get over the fact that he isn't a child any more, and he should stop acting like one. For gods sake, he's 35!..you would think a 35 year old man would handle arguments a different way.

If you feel that this relationship is dying or..it isn't working out, let him know..tell him.. Maybe he'll realize that he really needs to change the way he acts. Otherwise he could end up losing you..try to be agressive.

Why are you even letting him look at porn/or visiting sites that say erotic encounters, you should be telling him and screaming at him about this. If he has you, he shouldn't be looking at shit like that. Tell him that it's not right..if he brings up any past issues you guys had ..you need to let know that that the argument that you two are having doesn't have anything to do with what you two have been through the past, so stop bringing it up...

Maybe you two should consider counseling. Just try it out, see what happens.

 

[esmexoxox]

the truth is he does have to stop acting like a little kid and you got to confront him about this and also shuld try counseling